Hidden elements of a person.

Today I discovered a new side to my mum, a side which I had not seen before. After spending 19 years of my life observing my mum, the strong, unbreakable, confident, chatty person, I’ve seen a new more sensitive and delicate person.

She showed this side to me while discussing the successes of my dads operation where she let out the feelings which reside inside. As the internal thoughts spiraled out onto the coffee table at Starbucks, we had our first mother daughter time in a long time. I hope that I helped my mum deal with these difficult feelings, but it made me think; how do we know what people are really feeling?

If a person appears strong, confident, unbreakable on the outside, how do we really know what they are feeling on the inside? If they are smiling on the outside, are they truly happy?

When I appear confident I know for a fact that inside I am feeling anything but confident! But can anyone see that I am not really confident? My day to day tasks are carried out wearing a mask, behind the mask I can look out at the world hidden safely behind the security that people think that I am in fact confident. How could I have ignored the idea that other people also feel like this?

The part of mum, which I was able to see today, enlightened me to think differently about people around me. It has shown me a new way to interpret actions, thoughts and body language in a way that I can relate to.

When I see a confident person I will wonder what it is that makes them feel awkward or uncomefortable. Is it a self confidence issue, or a previous experience or are they just shy?

When I see a happy person leaping around smiling from ear to ear I will wonder if there is anything that they should be hiding, or other again are they shy?

It has allowed me a whole new way to look at the world around me including the people that I love hopefully letting me understand their feelings and actions better than I do today! 

My mum is my role model, I am inspired by her and believe that she is the strongest person I know. I am lucky to have seen this side of her today because I know that I too will be able to develop an external appearance in the same way.  

Adventures in the kitchen

As I prepared my diner today which consisted of a variety of winter vegetables in a Cajun style stew, I discovered my lego chef figurine. He was sat amongst the groceries in the larder and was quite happy standing there with his croissant.

I left him there for a month or so since the last time I experimented with my camera, since that time I have not had the time to photograph my toys. It sounds nerdy but in reality it is really fun!

As I manipulate the figurine I wonder what would happen if the lego world were to become real? What if we in fact as owners, children playing with lego control the figurines destiny. We can determine what they will do, what they will achieve. Could it be another example of the circular cycle in the same respect that two one way mirrors reflect into each other revealing an endless world of mirrors hidden within them. What if we are controlling the lives of the lego men, could it be that someone or something is controlling our fate in the same way.

When we think about religion in the way that God is seen to give us everything we need, grant wishes and perform miracles, it could be that we are pawns in a game. Now I am not insinuating that we are all lego and god is controller, but it is an interesting concept. What if this controlling nature that all humans possess, which emerges in different ways from OCD to controlling what your parent/sibling/partner/friend can or cannot do is passed from level to level.

There may be many, many layers of controller and model subject stacking up on top of each other, there is contact between members of the layers however neither the controller or those being controlled realize that there is a parallel universe.

Could this be an argument regarding the reasons why we do things? Its certainly a new way to look into the world, at the way that humans like to control everything and questioning the fact that that we have free will. Maybe there is someone or something controlling us the whole time? Who knows?

Embrace your fear.

Interesting conversation today which occurred because a friend mentioned that they were chased by a snail. Now I totally understood this expression to which I said yes that must have been rather scary, then realising that they must have been moving incredibly slowly to have been chased by a snail! If I had of been paying attention I would have realised the error of my thinking because a snail chasing me would be rather amusing.
Which got me thinking what would be the scariest thing to be chased by? Is it an animal, a person, something from a dream, a machine or maybe an idea? In fact I have determined it is my past. I have my experiences, bad feelings and bullying all chasing me reminding me of what I have come from. When I am going about my day to day business those Daemons will follow causing me to lack self confidence and any positive feeling.
If my daemons were to manifest themselves as a tangible creature i think that it would be the most hideous and most scary thing to chase me. Something which I have run away from, distancing myself from my problems, fears and feelings. Until now. Until the realisation that I am more than my fear, I need to face them and carry on.
Achievement of the day- asking a guy to have lunch with me on Wednesday
Dream of the day- go to Paris
Movie to explain how I feel- I am legend.